A few weeks ago I read an article in Slate Magazine written by Emily Bazelon entitled. “The Recession Wrecks Friendships: One friend gets poorer, the other stays the same.” I remember thinking, the recession sucks, but can we blame it for everything?”
I have always been class conscious in my friendships. I was the first to introduce a second income, and for many of my friends that still hasn’t happened. Not only that, for the last five years I’ve had a job that you can’t be fired from.
That said, I usually try not to pick the venue if I’m getting together with my “crew.” We are a mixture of women ranging in age from 33-42. I know some better than others, and I am the last one to be invited into this group of ya ya sisterhood.
We feel comfortable enough together to discuss ageing parents, a recent divorce, a difficult foster child, and a client that the judge threw the book at. The 800 pound gorilla at the table is the lost job.
I’ve known three of these four women for at least six years. We can talk about failed relationships, but not being downsized? I wondered if I was the only one that noticed. As I said, I am the new one to the group, so I didn’t assume that I am privy to conversations between the other members.
The next morning my husband asked me how my get together went. I told him that we laughed, ate, and drank, and that I had found my own Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte.
That night I got a call from the one woman in the group who makes more than I do. She asked, “The income gap, it’s starting to matter, isn’t it?”
I didn’t know what to say.
Bazelon argues that “when it comes to friendship, it seems like money is an important catalyst, the glass of wine that takes the edge off. No wonder it’s hard to make do with less of it.”
Ten years ago I would have called Bazelon cynical, but the distance between 30 and 40 is a Grand Canyon gap of reality. I have been able to maintain friendships across the married/single divide, the mommy/childless divide, straight/lesbian divide, the racial divide and the 6-12/plus size divide; but we have all had jobs. Once you introduce unemployment and its consequences, friendships suffer.
So, getting back to my friend who asked me if it was going to matter, I finally got the courage to respond.
“Yes, I think it will.”
“But what do we do?’ she asked.
To be honest, I’m not sure. What do we do? This is where I seek you, the reader’s advice. If it’s not possible to help, and there doesn’t look like there’s a job in the near future, how do we support our friends without it being awkward?
7 comments:
Hmm. I have found some friendships strengthening in the down economy. As friends are working less, we're getting together more often. Granted, I've been a stay at home mom for 6 years now, and gatherings are with kids. We visit at one another's homes, playgrounds or free museums. We help with home projects, be it painting someone's room, matching all those lonely socks, or reupholstering furniture. We talk about all the things you mention and also about job losses and work shortages. Maybe it helps that we are all in the same boat.
I definitely think it's about time we stopped pussy-footing around the topic of money. You don't need to reveal your salary, but if something's out of your price range, you should not be ashamed to admit it. Your true friends won't mind working a little harder to find something that everyone can enjoy. And we might not be in as big an economic mess if we all swallowed our pride instead of just putting off the payments.
In the end, do you get together with friends to see them or to do something we can brag about to our acquaintances?
What would it be like to have 11 of the most notable African-American women in history in the same room? My 11 would include Ida B. Wells-Barnett, Queen Mother Moore, Assata Shakur, Madame C. J. Walker, Lorraine Hansberry, Michelle Obama, Bernice Reagon, Angela Davis and Oprah Winfrey, Fannie Lou Hamer and Shirley Chisolm. Each of these women faced obstacles we will never have to confront.
The class, skin color and educational differences between us create a variety of challenges to Black unity. Perhaps some would argue that there should be no such thing as Black unity. The sacrifcies of the few, however, have made it possible for Barack Obama and the rest of our community to move forward. How can we honor their contribution and also bridge our differences without losing the vibrancy and 'flavor' that makes us special?
I do not choose my friends based on social/economic status. We choose each other based on a void somewhere in our lives possibly. I have a lot of girlfriends that have a lot more money/things than I possess. I also have another group of girlfiends that have a whole lot less (according to their) than I do. The economy has not impacted either of these friendships. We are in each others lives not because of what we own but because we truly like each other . Sometimes we may just get together to hang out without kids and spouses . We may give each other mani/pedis. In my friendships I seek laughter joy and sisterhood NOTHING else . There are no strings attached. If anything our troubling economy has probably forced us to get back to what is REAL important. The Dalai Lama says "materal development alone is not suffcicient for Happiness. The most important thing in life is human affection."
LISA -Seeking Joy Everyday
Well, first of all...are you quite sure that it's impossible to help? Maybe you know someone who needs to hire someone, etc. What is keeping your friend from finding a job?
Second of all...level the playing field in your get-togethers. Rotate them among the friends' houses, and make them potlucks. Or if one of you has a house that is much better suited for get-togethers than the others, make that your meeting location and then everyone else brings potluck (the hostess is exempted).
That way the unemployed friends don't feel like they have to be able to afford a restaurant outing in order to see you.
I always think it's easiest to be honest and frank about things. Like maybe you just say, "Still no job? Oh honey, that has to be really stressful. Are you doing OK? What can we do to help?"
Maybe you could even brainstorm as a group to see what you can collectively do to help your friends who are looking for work. Review their resumes, see if you can spruce them up, talk amongst yourselves and see what networking can be done, do you know someone in that field? What about a new career or opportunity? Know someone looking for part-time help (babysitting, housecleaning, office work) in the meantime to help make ends meet?
It would be nice if the group could be an actual resource of friends helping friends, and not just strictly for entertainment value.
I, too, work in a pretty recession proof industry--education. So, my position is pretty safe. Or I would like to believe it is. However, I have a number of friends who work in industries that are not so recession proof. One in particular worked as a mortgage broker.
Now a lot of those friends have either lost their jobs or saw their income fall drastically. My mortgage broker friend saw his income go from six figures to a low five figures. Ironically, he turned to substitute teaching to make ends meet in the interim.
What I am feeling mostly is guilt. Many of these friends made much more money than I in the past, but now I see them struggling to just provide the basic necessities. Sometimes I find myself talking about somewhere I am going to visit or something I am going to do and I stop short because I realize that given their present circumstance, my comments perhaps seem insensitive.
But in the same instance, some of those same people looked down on me when they were rolling in the dough.
I am lucky that my "Ya Ya Sistah-hood" go as far back as the 7th grade and college. My two BFFs include 30 plus years of friendships. These friendships survived high school, teen pregnancy, abortions, single motherhood and deadbeat fathers, college, moves, graduate school, marriage, divorce, and everything in between. When one has we all get! Income has never hurt us. Until now I've taken it for granted.
When in college and my daughter needed a fancy dress and I didn't have the money for it, my girl put me on her Macy's credit card so that I could go and buy one. When someone needed baby food or diapers, we shared or bought them. When my BFF was in transition and needed a place she stayed with me rent free. Now, everyone is pretty stable financially--Thank GOD!--but not with extra (we have kids in college or going to college) and still we don't keep track of who bought what and when. I don't see this ever changing. We all know each others salaries--my girl makes 40k more a year--and there's zero competition or issue.
I have actually found the recession has pulled me and my friends closer together and forced some of us to let go of the "strong black women" role everyone expects us to play and we assign to ourselves.
This down economy has made it okay to ask for help because the crisis has touched everyone in some way -- and if people say it hasn't, they're probably not being honest!
My true friends understand we pass the same $40 back and forth -- and of there is a need, we come together to address it.
It's possible this economy might sift out the fair weather friends from the real ones.
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