Monday, June 8, 2009

The ESSENCE of “How We Do It”

It’s not every evening that you get a text from a friend that says, I just opened ESSENCE MAGAZINE and you are on page 136.

I have known since March that I was chosen to be the July issue’s “How She Does It” woman, but I had only told two friends.  It’s not that I’m not excited, I’m actually very proud.  If you had told me eight years ago that I would know how to manage the life I have now, I would have fallen on the floor laughing. 

 My hesitance was more related to how common my story feels.  Most of the women I know are managing as much as I am.  Just last week my two sons had school in different towns and my daughter had her dance recital dress rehearsal, in yet another town. On top of that, my Mom (who can't drive) was visiting. We have “help,” but our au pair was getting a tattoo! I had FIVE hours of law school, so Jon had to leave work early.  Sound familiar?

This is a typical Wednesday for my family. 

Although I am extremely honored to be in ESSENCE MAGAZINE, I can’t help but think, “I know how I do it, how do other women do it?’

I invite you to join the first dialogue on my blog.  I’d especially like to hear from single moms, and women in military families. Let’s celebrate all of our attempts at healthy living.  Here are some of the questions they asked me.

***

What attracted you to your line of work?

What do you love about your job?

Are there any elements of your work that you incorporate in your parenting or any aspects of parenting that you bring to work?

How do you balance work and home life?

How do you find time to de-stress and what do you do?

What has been your biggest reward?

Describe what your best days are like. Describe a time when you knew your struggles were worth it.

Do you have help?

What gets you through the day?

What is your mantra?

  ***

I’d love to hear a funny story. Anyone ever try to ship breast milk by courier; or realize after you changed the diaper that you used vagisil instead of baby powder?  I’ve done both.

HOW DO YOU DO IT?

Posted by at 9:49 PM

11 comments:

  1. Marla Horton Cureton / Atlanta, GAJun 9, 2009 07:42 AM
    Congratulations Duchess! You're right, a lot of women are juggling so much these days. The simple truth is - some of us do it better than others. So, I'm not going to let you off the hook. I want some of your secrets. I only have one child, and will hopefully have a second in the not so distant future. I work full-time and often have to travel. Help this sister out!
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  2. Ericka Kirkland / Lorton, VAJun 9, 2009 12:59 PM
    Part I.
    What attracted you to your line of work?
    A teacher in my high school encouraged me to participate in basics programming class. I always thought I would be a Math teacher because I was pretty good in math but switched to a career in computer science to represent black women in technology.

    What do you love about your job?
    Constant learning curve. You are never to smart/old to learn something new or refine/redefine your skillset.

    I have had a few love/hate relationships in my career. Where I have loved the actual work, I despised the politics that were involved which stemmed from greed, prideful intentions, and selfishness. I dont shy away from competition but not everything in life is a competition. I know its the American way but it is just not my way. I worked with United States Navy, Department of Defense. They taught me by example that "I should not sweat the small stuff". They swore to protect their country putting their own life on the line. Knowing this made me work even harder. I did not take the same oath but I wanted to prove to them that I took their oath seriously and in my own little way was trying to show respect and say thank you.

    Sometimes there are things/situations that are larger than you and your own set of problems. We just have to remember to keep things in their proper perspective.

    Are there any elements of your work that you incorporate in your parenting or any aspects of parenting that you bring to work?
    Patience, Encouragement, Teacher of the Golden Rule, organization and time management skills.

    How do you balance work and home life?
    Make time for the little things.
    Excercise, getting a mani/pedi, going to movies, occasional dinner out, ...

    How do you find time to de-stress and what do you do?
    Find time for the little things like going to to movies, reading, getting your nails done, grocery shopping and at one point playing flag football which I played for about 3 years. Going/participating in daughter's activities, and last but not least sleep.


    What has been your biggest reward?
    My biggest reward has been watching my daughter grow into a beautiful girl. She has a beautiful soul, kind & outgoing spirit, and a mental toughness that will get her far in life.

    Never rest on your laurels because you can always be replaced!

    Ericka K
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  3. I am a single mama of three children (12, 7, and 5) -- divorced from their dad since 2004 -- I can't EVEN explain how my days go, but they do!...I just keep repeating the mantra...can't fail....can't fail...cant' fail:)
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  4. Congratulations Dutchess, what a beautiful family!
    You are very definitely inspirational!

    As a full time working mom of two (9&6) I get through my days by allowing my kids to take me back to places I thought I had forgotten and forward into experiences that I never knew existed… some painful and some glorious.

    Work/life balance hmmm... I think it is a fallacy, I do not feel balanced! But I do feel happy, productive and as though my son and daughter are learning valuable life lessons from our daily juggle and struggle.

    My mantra in 2 parts: remember to be kind to my partner and (stolen from a dear friend to apply as you see fit) “this is your one and only life!”
    Deb H.
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  5. Hi Duchess, it is Nancy Magnuson, Sara's mom. Sara told me about your blog and how you wanted single mothers to comment. Sara's dad walked out when I was pregnant, Sara has never met him. A few stories for you....

    When Sara was a newborn I lived at home with my parents, my own personal hell :) I was 25 with a Bachelors Degree but wanted to spend time with Sara so...I worked as a supervisor at a local 24 hour grocer. I worked 4 to midnight so my mom, who was a librarian at a local school, could watch Sara at night. This situation allowed me to take Sara to the zoo and all kinds of places during the day. What do I remember? No sleep!!! Sara had colic and seemed to always be crying from 1:00 A.M. until 5:00 A.M.. I got fed up with the living situation and moved to an apartment. I then began working two jobs. I worked for Blue Cross Blue Shield during the day and the local grocery store 5 to midnight three days a week and all day Saturday. I was blessed that my mom watched Sara one night, my brother another, and my best friend the third night. Saturdays were always a scramble. Again, I just remember being so tired, Sara did not sleep through the night until she was 4!!! She would wake up at 2 A.M. and be so happy to see me that she would just be chattering away. The "gifted" educators had all kinds of reasons for this, again, I was so tired. Since I was in an apartment and now paying daycare I was broke. My dad kept trying to get me to apply for assistance and I said no way, I was too prideful. Finally, since Sara's soy formula was so expensive, I did apply for WIC (women, infants and children) which paid for the formula. I was too embarassed to use the vouchers in my town so I drove 20 miles to a different store assuring I would not be recognized. Seems so silly now but at the time I was mortified.

    Funny story - once I had moved to the apartment I was doing laundry at 2 A.M. while Sara slept, she must have been about 2. The door on the apartment automatically locked when closed. I left for the laundry room and realized I did not have my keys. I somehow got ahold of maintenance but it took them over 2 hours to come and unlock the door. I sat in the hallway crying sure the building was going to burn down or Sara would wake up - of course she slept through the entire ordeal.

    After 3 years of working two jobs with a child who did not sleep through the night I gave up the part-time job. How did I juggle softball, girl scouts, voice and piano lessons? I am still not sure but I did. All I can tell you is that I look at the finished product and think I did okay. She might not be as liberal as I would like :) but she is a good person with high standards who will contribute positively to the future of our country and the world. My parents passed away years ago (and I have no other family) but as I look at my house, which I own, and my daughter I am filled with great pride at what I have accomplished. I missed only one softball game in Sara's entire career and we are incredibly close. It is fun to experience the journey. We are slowly moving from a parent/child relationship to friends and I am enjoying every minute. I can still stop Sara in her tracks with a single look but those moments are rare. Sara is my greatest accomplishment.

    I still struggle to pay the bills some months and after researching law school tuition I am frantic but Sara and I will perservere. I want her to accomplish more than I did, just like all parents dream.

    On a side note, I will never forget the kindness you extended when Sara was having the roommate issue and neither will Sara. It is said that "it takes a village" and you were a huge part of that for us and I thank you. I am in awe of your accomplishments.

    Respectfully,
    Nancy Magnuson
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  6. Love the photo. Very Norman Rockwell. All you are missing is the martinis!
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  7. Who says there weren't martinis?
    (Smile) : )
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  8. I am so proud of you and all that you do! You're an inspiration to many and congratulations on all you have achieved. You make it look effortless...I'm going out to buy Essence and have you sign it next time I'm in Minnesota.

    My very best wishes,
    Amy
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  9. Melissa KandidoJun 14, 2009 09:36 PM
    Duch! This is my first blog ever- or response to a blog! You have always been a role model for me!

    What attracted you to your line of work? I am currently changing careers to be more in line with my blessings and passions--I will be a teacher of history, art and dance. These are where my soul dances.

    What do you love about your job? My current job as a manager can be trying. The best thing about it is the people with whom I work. I have a great team and great managers and peers.

    Are there any elements of your work that you incorporate in your parenting or any aspects of parenting that you bring to work? Every day all day.

    How do you balance work and home life? I made a promise once I had my first child that NO work stress would come home with me. I might have to do some work at home, but on rare occasions. I do not complain about work at home. Home is a sacred place. I have also adopted my mother's practice that for 1 hour after getting home, I spend it solely with my children. Doting, tickling, conversing, dancing, etc. I do not do housework or anything that is not related to my children for that one hour.

    How do you find time to de-stress and what do you do? I schedule it. I have a fabulous massage therapist and someday when I have much more $, I will go weekly rather than quarterly. The free way of destressing for me is dancing. I dance and dance till I am exhausted. Then candles, bath, reading.

    What has been your biggest reward?
    Cliche--my children. They are phenomenal. I am blessed to be their mother.

    Describe what your best days are like. Describe a time when you knew your struggles were worth it. Joyful. Watching my children make good choices, be polite to each other. Hearing them giggle uncontrollably. Having them cuddle with me when they are tired. When they give a compliment--they mean it sincerely. Watching them dance. Watching them read and write. Watching my older two take tender care of their little brother. (5, 4 and 17 mos.)

    Do you have help? Yes! God, my husband, my parents and my friend Dre.

    What gets you through the day? God.My children's giggles. Studying for my Master's in Education. Planning a program for Namibia.

    What is your mantra? SOULDANCE
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  10. Hi Prf Harris,

    I am so surprised and proud that you (and your lovely family) are featured in Essence!!!
    Will definitely get June issue, hope there are some lefts in Tokyo...

    Also readers's comments here are so encouraging and filled with strong, positive energy...

    I am just remembering why I attracted so much to Black women's magazine such as Essence, which lead me to write thesis about with your kindest support. The reason was it filled with voices and naked fact of Powefull, Proud, Honest women which I hardly find in Japanes women's magazines yet now.

    Again, your blog made me smell the cofee ;-)

    Thank you & Best Regards,
    Kaori
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  11. Very cool. Guess I'm going to have to buy the magazine, since the site doesn't seem very interested in actually giving you its magazine's content :)
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